I just kept staring at it; the digital disrupter. All night long I watched the digital display of my alarm clock exchanging one minute for the next. Knowing I didn’t sleep at all that night, May 8th, 2008, because the fear of failure kept popping in my head and I couldn’t get rid of it. Sluggishly, I got out of bed around 6:00 A.M. I looked in the mirror, and said, “Well, Happy 16th birthday”. It was what was about to happen in seven hours that I was excited, and nervous about. I had made an appointment to take my driving test today. I don’t know why I was so anxious; I was a good, confident driver. My mom told me to get a good night’s sleep; unfortunately, that didn’t happen. My stomach was turning somersaults so I couldn’t eat a good breakfast; another thing she told me to do. I wished I hadn’t told all of my friends that I was trying for my license today. This just created more stress of trying to live up to their expectations. No sleep, no breakfast, and everybody knew I was taking the test! Were the cards being stacked against me? Were these all signs that I shouldn’t take the test? Getting your driver’s license is an attainable dream for most teenagers, and an exciting and fearful time for parents everywhere. I pushed on and made my way to the testing site knowing that the whole wonderfully, terrifying experience of taking my driving test was a big day in my life; one I will never forget.
I went to my morning classes but there was no way I could concentrate. I had started to dream about the day I could drive around since the age of thirteen. Getting my driver’s license meant freedom. Free of having to get up early to catch the bus; free of having to race down the street so I wouldn’t miss the bus; free of being trapped in one seat; free of rambunctious kids turning around in their seat annoying me, and free of a bus full of noisy underclassmen! My mom picked me up at 11:30 so I could get in some last minute practicing before my 1:00 appointment. This was a stressful time for her too. My parents were thinking about the money, extra car, and insurance, not to mention the fact that their “baby” was now old enough to get places where they once had to taxi them to. She kept telling me to not be nervous. “It’s just a driving test”, she continued to repeat. Did she want me to fail? I don’t think so. Didn’t she know this meant freedom for her too? I was the first of her children to take a driving test, surely she knew that it was more than just a driving test and getting a driver’s license is a rite of passage.
At 12:40, my mom and I arrived at the DMV in her Chevy Trailblazer. I arrived in plenty of time, this was good. I walked into the building and stood in a long line. I showed the lady at the desk all of my paperwork and she told me to take a seat in the waiting area. I had my driver’s handbook along, so I decided to do some last minute studying. I’ve taken a lot of tests in my life time; Math, Reading, Karate, but a driving test is particularly upsetting. After all, with tests in school, if you get something wrong you can always go back and cross it out, whereas, if you run into another car or person then your fate is pretty much sealed. Soon I saw a lady. She was short, and had her hair in a tight ponytail. She had a clipboard in her hand and bellowed my name, “Sam Becker”. I went over to her and she asked me if I was ready. I wanted to ask her, “Don’t I look ready?” Instead, I softly said, “Yes”.
We walked out into the parking lot where the car was parked. I got into the driver’s side and immediately put on my seat belt. I had heard a lot of “horror stories” from people who automatically failed their tests. One automatic failure was for not putting on a seatbelt; I was not going to fail for this! She asked me to turn on the blinkers, lights, and step on the brake; everything was good. She got into the front passenger side and put on her seat belt. She said, “Okay, whenever you are ready.” It occurred to me right then that she doesn’t know me, and she is about to go into traffic not knowing if I can drive safely or not. She might be as nervous as me! I took a deep breath and said to myself, “I just need to think positively and drive like I normally drive”; and we were off!
Afraid to look at the instructor, I sat straight looking forward, with my eyes on the road. We drove out of the DMV parking lot and she asked me to make a left turn. My mind went blank, and I couldn’t even remember which way was left and which was right. I knew I had to get it together. I was trying to think of some strategies that my parents told me about. Things like, visualization: (imagining a confident driver, not the sweaty bag of nerves I was feeling, and breathing-(take deep, calming breaths in and out). Within minutes, I was doing fine. We came to the intersection, where there was a car on my left. It slowed down and stopped at the sign. I thought it was a four-way stop, so I stopped to let the car go first. My instructor said sharply, “Why are you stopping? Do you see a stop sign?” Then, she had me drive in the area by Valley View Mall. Next, she asked me to make a left turn at the light. I approached the intersection where the light was red. It seemed like it took forever to turn green. When it changed I put my foot on the accelerator and started to move forward. Then, those harsh words snapped at me again. “STOP, there are people in the crosswalk!” I stepped on the brake.
We continued to drive around Onalaska for about 30 more minutes. I wanted to give the lady a beautifully smooth drive, but I was having my doubts. I couldn’t see what she was writing down on that clipboard but I just knew it wasn’t good. After all, when she got into the car initially the paper was black and white, now, out of the corner of my eye, I could see red marks; this couldn’t be good. After driving around for what seemed like an eternity, we headed back to the DMV. I parked the car and took out the keys from the ignition. She started talking to me about all the things I had done wrong. I felt like a five year old because she used drawings to show and explain to me every little mistake I had made. I walked into the building behind her like a little kid who had just gotten in trouble. My head was hanging low, and my chin was down to the ground.
I saw my mom and knew the first thing she would say was, “Well, did you pass?” Sure enough she did. I shrugged my shoulders, and told her I didn’t know yet. We both looked at the instructor and I wanted to cry. She kept writing, and adding up numbers. The sheet on the clip board had tons of red scribbling. It was like when you handed in an essay at school and you thought, “Wow, this is great writing!” Then, the next day, it is handed back to you filled with large, red correction marks. Even worse, in the right hand corner of the paper were the words, “SEE ME”. How could I go back to school and tell everyone I failed? I thought my dad would be so disappointed. I knew when I got home he would say something like, “Well, now that you got your license can you go to the store and get some ice cream.” How could I tell him I didn’t pass? What was happening? It was like a vicious circle: I was focusing on only the bad things and failing, thus, the stronger my anxiety was becoming. I thought I was ready, I thought I was prepared. Maybe my parents were right, maybe I should have waited a little while longer.
Finally, I braced myself for those dreadful words, “You didn’t pass”. The instructor looked at me and gave me one last instruction. She told me to take this piece of paper and go over to the counter where they would take my picture. I looked at her and said, “Does this mean I passed?” She smiled and said, “Drive safely.” It turned out that I did have a happy 16th birthday. This was the day that I came home with my ticket to independence and respect.
It’s pretty normal to feel a little nervous and stressed before a test. Just about everyone does. As I look back on this day, I was feeling performance anxiety, (a feeling where performance really counts). I was so focused on failure and all of the bad things that could happen that I forgot to take care of myself, get centered, and relax. I had a challenge in front of me-no, not just the driving test- but to overcome the fear and get rid of doubt that had become my constant companion.
I had a dream of getting my driver’s license on the first try, and it is almost impossible to achieve your dreams if you bring fear into the moment. Once I got rid of the mental battles, “I am going to make mistakes, I am going to fail”, I started to make progress. Like I said, “I was a good, confident driver”. I had practiced my driving often and I knew the rules well. When I finally decided to not be perfect, think positively, and concentrate on my driving, it didn’t result in a failure. I know now that whatever I put my mind to, I can do.
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